I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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