the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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