I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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