Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
