i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
