his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
