We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
