Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
