A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
