Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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