Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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