im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
