Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
