Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
did i just pee glitter
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
