The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just high enough for therapy.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
