Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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