Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
