its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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