Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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