You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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