I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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