so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
