When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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