finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
