I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
