OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
