he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
