last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
