the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
