My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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