We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
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His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize