Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
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I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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