It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
