I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
