Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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