well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
if only i could text you this smell
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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