I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You pole danced in your parka.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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