i barfeds in our rink
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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