david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
