he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
