Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
