I wish my penis had an off switch
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
