and she was petting her beer can
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
