I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
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