Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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