I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
