one two three fourrrrnication!
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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