Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
