So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
