he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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