It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
