Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
