You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
