They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
