I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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