If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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