Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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