I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Drake has all the answers
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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