they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
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The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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