I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
