did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
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