is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Houston, we have a blender
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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